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Excerpts from Chuckle Chowder by Sue Annabrooke Jones

      Jury foreperson to court: "On the count of grand theft auto, we the jury find the defendant not guilty."
      Excited defendant to lawyer: "Does this mean I get to keep the car?!"

      Mangled medical entry: Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

      A family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew showed up and started building a house on it. The six-year-old daughter took an interest in the building activity and started talking with the workers, and eventually the crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They let her sit with them for coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little tasks to do to make her feel important.
      At the end of the first week, the workers surprised the little girl with a pay envelope containing a check for one dollar. She brought it home to her mother, who suggested they take it to the bank to start a savings account.
      When they got there, the teller was impressed and asked the child how she had earned her very own paycheck at such a young age.
      The girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building a house all week."
      "My goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week?"
      The girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-of-bitches at the lumberyard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit."

      Question: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
      Answer: Paddy O'Furniture.

      Scrawled across the wall of a women's restroom: I have a wooden leg. Underneath that: So what? I have a cedar chest.

      A woman went to an art gallery and stopped to look at one of the paintings. The oversized canvas featured huge blobs of murky puce, maroon and chartreuse splattered all over it. After studying the piece for some time, she approached the artist. "I don't understand your work," she told him.
      "I paint what I feel inside me," the artist explained.
      The woman retorted, "Next time take Alka-Seltzer."

      Egg-laying exam answer: A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

      A jetliner that was taxiing down the tarmac abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate, leaving the passengers frightened, angry and bewildered. After an hour-long wait, the plane finally took off.
      A concerned passenger stopped one of the flight attendants who happened by and asked, "What was the problem?"
      "Oh, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," the flight attendant answered. "And it took us awhile to find another pilot."

      Question: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
      Answer: The genealogist looks up your family tree, and the gynecologist looks up your family bush.

     Famous last words: "Let's see, I think they drive on the left side of the road here in France."

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